Wish I May
by shadowfire
Summary: Raito may have forgotten that he was Kira but it doesn't mean he doesn't suspect it.


**Wish I May**

_: Do you ever have that dream when you open your mouth and you try to scream but you can't make a sound:_

Something hard and warm hit him and his eyes shot open. Sockets where eyes should have been greeted him and he screamed until thin knobby fingers gripped his wrists and shook him. He heaved for breath, realizing the sockets were just Ryuuzaki staring at him, the rings around his eyes making him appear like a creature of a hellish dimension in the dim light that the computer cast over their bed.

Ryuuzaki waited for him to catch his breath before handing him the customary glass of water. He took a sip, allowing the icy liquid to slowly bring his mind back to the world of the living. He handed it back to the other boy and took note of his surroundings.

The thin white sheets were tangled around his limbs, cocooning him, which explained the feeling of suffocation in the dream. They were soaked in his sweat, creating in his dream the sticky unwelcome feel of flesh against his own. Ryuuzaki was lying next to him on his stomach, playing absent-mindedly with the chain that bound his left, and Raito's right wrist together.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, and Raito shook his head, slipping out of the bed and into the bathroom. Ryuuzaki had no other option but to follow him, hand unwillingly moving alongside Raito's as the brunette gathered water in the palms of his hands to splash it on his heated face.

He watched Raito's expression change gradually in the mirror as the features contorted from disorientation of being in such bright lights to something akin to fear and maybe hatred. It was only his quick reflexes that stopped Raito from slamming his fist into the mirror, saving himself from the pain the glass would have caused as it shattered around his own.

Raito was off in his own world, a forlorn smile placing itself on his lips, as he looked into the mirror, fascinated with his own face. It appeared he truly believed that if he kept reading it over and over again, some answers would come from it. Ryuuzaki knew he wasn't going to be in bed for some while now and took a seat on the sink, putting him at eye level with Raito and into the view of the mirror.

"What was your dream about?" he asked.

Raito didn't answer him immediately, preoccupied in his soul searching.

"Why did you think I was Kira?"

Ryuuzaki hadn't been expecting that question. " No one would have expected you to be; model student, strong morals, Adonis looks. You were just too perfect to be exactly what you appeared to be."

"Am I Kira?" His voice came out choked, like it was holding back tears and Ryuuzaki looked at him closer. He didn't look like he was going to cry but he was emitting more emotion then the detective had seen before from the normally stoic boy.

"What makes you think that?" Ryuuzaki whispered.

He followed Raito's eyes to the mirror, feeling the tug on the chain as Raito lifted up his hand to shift his bangs out of his eyes, pushing them to the sides of his face.

"I see them when I sleep. All the people he's killed, they're swarming me…touching me, trying to drag me with them. And I tell them I am not Kira…but they still continue, chanting his name as they come closer…trying to swallow me whole." Raito sighed, lowering his eyelids as he lost himself in the memories again, trying to find some meaning in it.

" It could just be your guilt of not saving people from him," Ryuuzaki supplied.

Raito shook his head, opening his mouth to speak before closing it, eyes darting around nervously. They passed over the mirror for the last time before he walked out of the bathroom, Ryuuzaki silently following him, taking a place next to Raito on the king-sized bed.

" I think about the past few months and…. I don't remember it. I remember school, my family, but nothing else. I don't remember the people that I meet or what we talked about. I don't remember ever meeting you or Misa until the moment I was pulled out of the jail cell. The only memories I have from the time Kira started killing are the ones you've told me about."

Ryuuzaki kept quiet, waiting for Raito to spill what was really bothering him. Raito was cradling his knees to his chest, laying his chin on them, trying to make himself as small as possible. The chain was trapped between Raito's body so Ryuuzaki couldn't have left if he had wanted to.

"What really bothers you about not having those memories?" he asked, needing to keep the brunette talking.

The room was silent except for the soft ticking of the alarm clock in the corner as the second hand roamed around the circle.

"I…the dreams…sometimes, they're about how they died. What they did before they were killed…why they had to die…" Raito's voice was shaking as he answered, and he burrowed his head into his checkered pajama pants, ashamed to be admitting his fears.

"You already know all those things."

"No. They aren't the ones you've told me about. They are the people who aren't the criminals…the ones not associated with Kira. I see them die…and what I see, is actually how they died when I look it up. And I keep wondering why I know these things…the only way I could know is if…" Raito's voice died off, as he tried to find the strength to say it.

"If… if I was Kira." He whispered.

Ryuuzaki wouldn't have heard it if he hadn't been so intoned to Raito's words; he could hear the almost silent harsh breathing that came from crying. He reached for Raito and pulled him towards him, cradling him against his own body. He wasn't exactly sure why he was doing this or if he was doing it correctly but it felt almost natural and just right.

"You're not Kira. I don't know how you know those things but I don't care. I know you. You are not the person Kira is. You are good and noble…and you would never hurt innocent people." Ryuuzaki scolded, wrapping his hands from Raito's waist. "How can you think that!"?

"I don't know," Raito whispered, lifting his head up to lean it against Ryuuzaki's shoulder. " I guess it is because sometimes, I understand his motives and a lot of the time, I agree with them. People who harm others deserve to be punished. The law and criminal system can only do so much before it ends up harming itself. Kira is a vigilante…he is doing the things that no one else dares to do but everyone wishes would happen."

"He is still a killer."

"The only difference between someone killing another person out of justice and a murderer is their name." Raito shot back weakly, and he went silent again, sniffing Ryuuzaki's hair out of curiosity.

They must have sat there on the bed for a good hour in silence, both content from the warmth from another person, before Ryuuzaki realized that Raito had dozed off. He smiled as he moved Raito off him, shivering at the loss of height, and set the blankets over him to keep him warm.

He was climbing over Raito to his computer when he felt the tug of the chain and he looked down at Raito, whose brown eyes were gazing up at him sleepily.

"Come to bed," he mumbled.

"I won't sleep," Ryuuzaki reminded him.

"Don't care. You're warm."

Ryuuzaki chuckled. " Let me shut down my computer."

Raito nodded and rolled over, closing his eyes. Ryuuzaki made sure Raito was actually sleeping and moved over to the computer, shutting down all his programs except for one. He typed into it before he turned off his computer:

Raito: 90 Percent 

_: Don't tell me it's going to be all right. You can't sell me on your optimism tonight:_

**Author's Note: **Yes, I realize Raito seems like a wimp. And you know what, he is. I don't really like the direction Death Note is going in right now. Mind you, I have read up to Chapter 44 so it could get better but I don't like the fact that Raito forgot about his role as Kira. I liked him all evil and conniving. It just seems to me that Raito, after losing the Death Note, fails to have a backbone and is less strong, less perfect. This is where the story came from because I have seen stories where he doesn't lose all of his memories of it but never the consequences of it.

This story was nothing how I planned it to be. It began as a slash between Raito and L if you wanted the truth. The main line had to do something with the fact that L couldn't decide if he enjoyed Raito touching/kissing/fondling him because he is or isn't Kira. Don't ask…it was a very hot idea but I couldn't get it written. I tried several times. It wasn't working.

The second idea had to do was a conversation on what love really was, maybe some action between the two boys, and how love is truly about power. We are learning about this stuff in school now, which partly inspired it. Again, I couldn't get it to work.

This story was formed purely by the song. I found the lyrics to it and I saw the story in my mind and I decided to do it.


End file.
